Grace

She was in the verge of crying with tears welling up her eyes. She cannot control her ever tormenting thoughts. It wasn't her emotions that causes her the turmoil--it was, is and always have been her own thoughts. She has always considered herself a sadist. Self inflicted pain was her defense mechanism. It was her protection from the sinister world. She can never allow anyone or anything to hurt her without her permission so the pain she feels is the pain that she allows--self-inflicted---self-fabricated.

But tonight, it is different. This is something she didn't consciously want. This time, she doesn't know what's causing her the turmoil which brings her the panic. She was devastated, frustrated and defeated. This is her weakness and she knows it. This is her greatest fear and she is yet to know.

She thought there was nothing more she could do. At this point, she knows it is not in her hands anymore; she is not the one to determine--and this is all foreign to her. So she decided to submit everything to Him. For she can do nothing without Him; she is nothing without Him. This is when she let go of the rope. Her efforts in this tug-of-war are futile because it is not her who dictates. This is not her battle anymore; it is His.

But just as she succumbed, she found herself free; she was redeemed and liberated from all her cares. She realized that she was never alone. She found Him, a great companion, an unconditional lover, a savior and redeemer. He had given her grace to accept the things she cannot change, to accept the things that she has no power over, to accept her limitations, to accept her weaknesses, to accept that she is not perfect---she is mortal and flawed.

But then, she was thankful. She was grateful for another chance; for the redemption; for the hope; for the correction; for the grace that sustains her.