Searching for the Fleeting Purpose

Saturday, September 27, 2008
0313 in the morning...

Have you ever been to the point where you don't know where you are?...
You suddenly realize amidst your life circle that somehow you don't belong---like an alien in your own world.

Have you ever been to the point when you suddenly asked yourself why you are doing the things you do and why you continue to do so?

It feels like you have lost the purpose for the things that you do. Like there is no aim, no goal, no end---or let's say,you have lost them somewhere along the road. Now, you are looking for it but you don't know if it fell a long way back or just a step behind. And you wonder how you went this far with a missing purpose--- a missing reason. So you stand amazed with your strength and endurance to run the race this far but stunned by your own ignorance and stupefied by your own emptiness.

Right know, you need a boost. You are looking for reasons to continue the fight. You look at the finish line for motivation but the end was blur---it was not the end point that you want. Then you start to doubt the path you're taking. It may lead to a wonderful ending or a greater trap. So you stop for a moment and evaluate things. You try to reflect on your reasons at the beginning, you try to trace back how you got here and what propelled you forward. Hoping that somehow you'll find the same reasons now; so you can finish what you started, so you can give meaning to your journey, you can fulfill your purpose and redeem yourself. But unfortunately, you're lost in the vast emptiness within....

You really don't know where you messed up along the process. You cannot pin point your short comings. You cannot account for the sudden wilderness...

Welcome to the gray area...the darker area...the confused zone...the lost zone.

Correct me if I'm wrong but most of us go through this struggle. To some it sets in early, some too late; to some it is longer than they would like it be, for some it is never-ending; some are eaten up alive but there are also some who overcomes and triumph.

What I would like to know is what made the difference for those who surpassed?
How did they claim their rightful purpose?
How, amidst all these atrocities, did they prevail?

Loved but not Needed

I cannot believe myself..It is amusing how everyday I discover something new about me...I think everyday people are changing; it does not require drastic changes--- just subtle changes that reveal themselves at the back door; when you are most unprepared and caught off guard.

Lately, I have been in an internal turmoil...an inner struggle I fight every now and then. But so far, this one has made a mark. I am a sadomasochist. I cannot allow myself to experience much joy and pleasure neither allow myself to be emotionally, physically, psychologically attached to the object of my desire. So naturally, I would torture myself by walking away from my desire in the fear that I might get attached and I might get hurt by 'it' later on. It pains me, of course but this one is different; 'it' crushed me...
Then I tried to find the causes and reasons for my revulsion and I was more amazed by what I found out..I was not aware that I was capable of such pathetic things, pathetic logic and reasoning, petty wants and demands. So now I know I am not as mature as I thought I was.

Then, I will not pain you &myself of all the story but this is what I found out--- that for me, I am loved but not needed.
Peculiar, how I demand this two to co-exist. Are they co-existent? or they do not necessarily assure the presence of the other?

Cluttered Thoughts

Here I am again in the state where I myself do not know; the moment when I know I am
but I am not; the moment I know I can but then I cannot; the moment I know I
feel but cannot feel; the moment I know I will but I won’t. Am I really aware of all of these? Or Am I just
in the stage of revulsion and denial?

Yes,
the context is vague and undefined but unfortunately, I cannot make myself
define it. I cannot force myself to put those abstractly beautiful ideas into
concrete words. Simply because, I cannot and do not have the capacity to give
it meaning…still vague isn’t it?

Humorous,
how I try to explain things that are inexplicable in their nature. Amazing how
I lose control of my own consciousness. Stupid, how I try to resolve things I
don’t understand. Insane, how I acknowledge things that aren’t there.

SILENT WAR

Silent war

My silence screams
louder than my voice

My tears pierce
deeper than my words

The staleness looms
darker than solitude

The angst rages more
violently than anxiety

A battle within
annihilates more than any destruction

A silent war torments more than just the soul

Keep me certain, keep
me still

Free my being, let me win

Patriotism

Shame

Staring in the emptiness of the night, I swam into the depths of the sky reaching for a hand that never stretch

Staring at the invisible silhouette of a woman, I exploited her body that was never hers

Staring at the futile lushness of her breasts, I wringed the last traces of life that never existed

Staring directly at the sun, I searched for her identity and found nothing but a shadow

Staring at her blind eyes, I slapped her face like a blast of thunder

Waiting…Wanting…Longing…

Waiting…Wanting…Longing…

It has been more than 30 hours, 30 minutes and umm.. seconds since this urge aroused; 18 hours and 13 minutes since I started waiting and eternity since I longed.

A blanket of guilt, a cloth of shame and scent of eerie mystery--- things that I
choose not to wear in order to disguise my egoistic desires and deceive my own
scrutinizing conscience. So instead I stand in barren nudity; exposed with all my secrets and miseries; acknowledging my mortality and imperfections; confronting my weaknesses and necessities. And how trivial everything seems…no one notices; no one knows; no one understands but him. Funny, how people have believed my beautiful masque. What a deception it is that I made; a perfect and an inevitable lie I myself fabricated and I myself believed. I don’t cover up but still they didn’t see. Then I realized; I am not different from them. I also am a victim of my sinister alter ego. I believed myself to be bare and uncovered but my skin still lingers which becomes a hindrance for the liberation of the truth. I am succumbing and fighting my own nature; doubting and believing my own beliefs--- all at the same time.

It is dubious but I am contented. I leave it as it is: no one else knows, no one else cares.

But still the fact remains, I am waiting. Waiting for Him to come; for Him to allow; for Him to acknowledge then when he comes, I will leave all else behind for a moment--- just a moment. This appetite is for him to satisfy. I will lay my human needs down to his feet and my longing in his hands. I will feel him as he skillfully appease my raging urge. But then, until he has not come, I still await.