Waiting…Wanting…Longing… It has been more than 30 hours, 30 minutes and umm.. seconds since this urge aroused; 18 hours and 13 minutes since I started waiting and eternity since I longed.
A blanket of guilt, a cloth of shame and scent of eerie mystery--- things that I
choose not to wear in order to disguise my egoistic desires and deceive my own
scrutinizing conscience. So instead I stand in barren nudity; exposed with all my secrets and miseries; acknowledging my mortality and imperfections; confronting my weaknesses and necessities. And how trivial everything seems…no one notices; no one knows; no one understands but him. Funny, how people have believed my beautiful masque. What a deception it is that I made; a perfect and an inevitable lie I myself fabricated and I myself believed. I don’t cover up but still they didn’t see. Then I realized; I am not different from them. I also am a victim of my sinister alter ego. I believed myself to be bare and uncovered but my skin still lingers which becomes a hindrance for the liberation of the truth. I am succumbing and fighting my own nature; doubting and believing my own beliefs--- all at the same time.
It is dubious but I am contented. I leave it as it is: no one else knows, no one else cares.
But still the fact remains, I am waiting. Waiting for Him to come; for Him to allow; for Him to acknowledge then when he comes, I will leave all else behind for a moment--- just a moment. This appetite is for him to satisfy. I will lay my human needs down to his feet and my longing in his hands. I will feel him as he skillfully appease my raging urge. But then, until he has not come, I still await.
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