Sunday, December 7, 2008

FRIDAY.FRIDAY. FRIDAY. FRIDAY.


FRIDAY!


Yes, Friday. It's all I can say! hay...
Well, this is the thing, I can't figure out if Friday is the best or the worst day.

I LOOOVE FRIDAY!

1. It's the LAST DAY of classes in a week! Not to mention the poor schedule of my first-hour-morning class followed by the last-hour-night class on FRIDAY! May I repeat, on FRIDAY! (when everyone is supposed to go home and rest!)
2. It's PAYDAY!
3. It's self-proclaimed RELAXING DAY!
4. It's GIMIK DAY!
5. It's COFFEE DAY!
6. It's "DATE DAY"! (if you know what I mean.hehe)
7. It's QUALITY TIME!!!!

On the other hand, I HATE FRIDAY!
Because there can only be one Friday in a week! I know I sound silly, but I really hate it because it only comes ONCE A WEEK!
Can I have more FRIDAYS?? Can it be always FRIDAY for US??or for ME at least?

I can't get enough of FRIDAYS!!!....and weekends...and coffees...and rest...and me-time...and our quality time...and good food...and hanging out...and cuddling...and swimming...and running...and reading...and movies...and conversations...and discourses...
Waiting for FRIDAY is the SWEETEST TORTURE...

and as for LOVE,

"Thou art to me a delicious torment."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

*I'm a bit crazy now..and childish...sorry...so I'll doze-off now..

Saturday, December 6, 2008

COUPLE SHIRTS FOR SALE!

COUPLE SHIRTS FOR SALE

Guys, these designs will be printed soon..( last week of Dec. or 1st week of Jan.)
You can pre-order now. These are great for the Holiday season.(Christmas, New Year, Valentine's or even just for a not-so-ordinary-day..)

Sizes are available in Small, Medium and Large. I will post the exact dimensions later. ( I may also accept XL or XXL or even XS).

Prices are 500php per pair. (exclusive of shipping fee if necessary.ehe..)
If interested, just leave a message here or email me @: camp_1990@yahoo.com
or text me @: 09275258795 (globe) or 09225278287 (sun)

Thanks a lot!

STATEMENT SHIRTS FOR SALE!




STATEMENT SHIRTS FOR SALE











Guys, these designs will be printed soon..(week of dec.30 to 1st week of january)

You can pre-order now. These are great for the Holiday season. (Christmas, New Year, Valentine's or even just an ordinary day..)

Sizes are available in Small, Medium and Large. I will post the exact dimensions later. ( I may also accept XL or XXL or even XS).

Prices are 200php per shirt. (exclusive of shipping fee, if necessary..hehe)
If interested, just leave a message here or email me @: camp_1990@yahoo.com
or text me @: 09275258795 (globe) or 09225278287 (sun)

THANKS A LOT!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

UP SHIRTS: FOR SALE


UP SHIRTS now for SALE

UP SHIRTS now for SALE
Great for this Holiday season as a gift (for yourself or others..hehe.._
ORDER NOW!
contact me at 09275258795 for details...
THANKS!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Rebel without a clue: Rage

Rebel without a clue
Rage
By Patricia Evangelista
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 02:06:00 11/23/2008

THIS is the story of one Raymond Manalo, farmer, who disappeared on Feb. 14, 2006 with his older brother from their farm in San Ildefonso, Bulacan. Manalo was neither activist nor rebel when he disappeared. He escaped more than two years later. He says there are many, many more like him.

* * *

They put you in a cage four feet by one foot small, the height of an average man. There are hollow blocks to the side and iron grills in front. You sit with three other men, crouched in a line. There is no other way to fit.

Your brother is in the same cell. The door opens, more of them come in. More of them like you—beaten, bruised, helpless. They are put inside the next cell. This time there are two men and a married couple. The woman has burns all over her body. She was raped, they tell you. She was raped and beaten until she soiled herself. They say she has gone mad. They take her away.

This is where you shit, where you piss, where you wash if you still care. You do not feel the wind; you do not see the sun. Your food comes rarely, and what comes is rotten, leftover pig feed. Three men arrive, from Nueva Ecija. They are tortured. One of them has both arms broken. Bleeding.

Sometimes, when the soldiers are drinking, they take you out of your cage and play with you. The game varies, but it is usually the same. Two by fours, chains, an open gardening hose shoved down your nose. You crawl back to your cage, on your hands and knees. You wake up to screaming, to the sound of grown men begging, and you wonder which one it is this time. Sometimes, one of your cellmates will disappear. Sometimes, they don’t come back.

Then they take you away, and there is a doctor, pills, antibiotics, a bed. They tell you they are taking you home to see your parents. You meet the man they call The Butcher, and he tells you to tell your parents not to join the rallies, to stay away from human rights groups, that they would ruin your life and your brother’s. He tells you, this small man in shorts, that if you can only prove you’re on his side now, he would let you and your brother live. He gives you a box of vitamins, and tells you that they are expensive: P35 per pill.

They put a chain around your waist. The military surround your farm. Your mother opens the front door crying, and hugs you. You tell them what you were told to say. You hand them the money Palparan told you to give. Then you are told you must go.

Always, you keep thinking of escape. You make yourself useful, to make them trust you. You cook. You wash cars. You clean. You shop. No task is too menial. And one day, while you sweep the floor, you see a young woman, chained to the foot of a bed. Her name is Sherlyn Cadapan, she tells you, Sports Science, University of the Philippines Diliman, the same Sherlyn who disappeared from Hagonoy, Bulacan on June 26, 2006. She says she has been raped.

Later, you meet Karen EmpeƱo, also from UP, and Manuel Merino, the farmer who rushed to save the two girls when they were abducted. Karen and Sherlyn are in charge of washing the soldiers’ clothes, you and Manuel and your brother Reynaldo wash the car and carry water and cook.

The five of you are taken from camp to camp. You see the soldiers stealing from villagers. You see them bringing in blindfolded captives. You see them digging graves. You see them burning bodies, pouring gasoline as the fire rose. You see them shoot old men sitting on carabaos and see them push bodies into ravines. And in April 2007, you hear a woman begging, and when you are ordered to fix dinner, you see Sherlyn, lying naked on a chair that had fallen on the floor, both wrists and one tied leg propped up.

You see them hit her with wooden planks, see her electrocuted, beaten, half-drowned. You see them amuse themselves with her body, poke sticks into her vagina, shove a water hose into her nose and mouth. And you see the soldiers wives’ watch. You hear the soldiers forcing Sherlyn to admit who it was with plans to “write a letter.” You hear her admit, after intense torture, that it was Karen’s idea. And you see Karen, dragged out of her cell, tied at the wrists and ankles, stripped of her clothing, then beaten, water-tortured, and burned with cigarettes and raped with pieces of wood. And it is you who are ordered to wash their clothes the next day, and who finds blood in their panties.

And you are there, on the night they take away Manuel Merino, when you hear an old man moaning, a gunshot and the red light of a sudden fire.

* * *

The day Raymond Manalo and his brother Reynaldo escaped was the day he promised himself they would pay, all of them who tortured Karen and Sherlyn, who killed so many, who tortured him and his brother until they begged and pleaded. They were pigs, he says, those men were pigs. If he escaped, they told him, and if they couldn’t find him, they would massacre his family. And if they do not answer to the courts here, they will answer to God.

They can still kill him, he says. But even if they do, it is too late. He’s told his story.

Friday, November 21, 2008

By far the Greatest and Sweetest Downfall

Life really does go around. What comes up must come down...what was then is not was is now...In just seconds life can change...in just a single moment life can turn around..opportunities can be grabbed...feelings can be hurt...promises can be made or broken...hopes can be shattered...people can be gone...Just a single mistake can compromise things you value so dearly, people you love sincerely, and truths you believed faithfully...Just that single moment...everything can be made...everything can be broken...

I used to believe that mistakes are actually good. They help you learn, they make you realize things, they teach you lessons you ought to know, but then, they could also destroy everything you fought for. It is frustrating...how just one wrong move and you're done for. It is frustrating...how they lurk just in the corner ready to take you by surprise, ready to eat you alive, ready to bury you deep. And it is more frustrating...how foolishly you fall, how ignorantly you commit a life changing mistake...how passively you drown into the perpetual abyss of lost hopes and regrets...


...tinatamad pa kong tapusin...sad kasi...after I get over it nlng...I hope I could...And I hope, SOON...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Nov. 15, 2008. PHENOMENAL.

Wow...1st time ko 'tong magblog ng tagalog at ganito..'concrete'..
Well, dahil napilit ako (oo, napipilitan ako!)..Here is my account of what happened that amazing day..and also the day before it..hehe..it's also worth mentioning. So here it goes...

Nov. 14 18:00-19:00
Physics 83 lecture...it was good, normal...nothing fancy but I was expectant..walang turo ng gabi dahil tapos na nung umaga tapos may outing ang Chem pipz after..tapos saturday ang kinabuksan..Great! Exciting!Can't wait!

Nov. 14 19:10- 19:30
Paglabas ng PSLH B, excited na ko...party na 'toh! pero,nagusap muna kmi ni Kuya Marvs dahil hindi sya nakapagturo.Then suddenly, sabi sakin ni Mart "Cons, may naghihintay sayo"..."Huh??"
At nakita ko n nga si Bluknoy (pangalan ng motor) at anyun, sa may bulletin board..nandun sya, nagbabasa habang naghihintay.
Wow! SWEET! Nagulat ako, literal... inaasahan ko kinabukasan na kami magkikita for our big day but no, nandun sya, naghihintay matapos ang klase ko para ibigay sakin ang pasalubong na kamote fries from the City of Sta. Rosa (ansarap..promise!try nyo, pati ung sa may umali na kamote-q masarap din..hehe) at para lang puntahan ako bago mag outing ang chem pipz. nakakatouch noh??ung thought, hnd ung kamote fries!..natouch naman ako at nasurfries. This time, the effort was more than what I expected of you..hehe!peace!
Kaunting usap-usap ng idea, ng plano, ng mga pagkakakitaan (dapat tlga yan ma-execute!)
Tapos, buh-bye na (ou, buh-bye lang, walang kiss, walang hug..sa Vega kasi un.demure effect.haha!).. Time for the catalytic reaction of the chem pipz!

Nov. 14 20:00- Nov. 15 6:00
At nag party na po ang mga BS Chem batch '06..masaya..as in!andaming tao..may mga kumakanta at talagang hindi nila tinigilan..literal!mula gabi hanggang umaga ng mag alisan sa resort..mga adik! at syempre, may mga lumangoy. Isa na ako dun. namis ko ang tubig; antagal ko ndin kasi hindi nakalangoy syempre, bitin ako dun sa resort dahila ng ikli ng pool pro ayos narin at least nakalangoy kahit kunti...
Nagkaroon ng mga games (gamecom here!), ng awards (Congrats sa atin!hehe), ng foods!(Carcar, astig!ansarap talaga ng caldereta mo...wooh!), ng chicha (ayos ang chips na sangkatutak at red wine..haha!), ng mga hiritang kung saan saan pumupunta ang usapan (ang mga announcements at hirit na walang humpay) at ng kung anu anu pa..masaya..sana maulit uli..we're so bonded..hehe

Nov. 15 8:00- 10:00
ou, walang tulog..nagpunta sa orientation ng LTS 2 sa EE Audi..bummer...nawalan ng kuryente..nothing much..(salamat na lang kay Hapi at nagkarun ng kulay ang pag upo ko dun..hehe)..next..

Nov. 15 11:00- 13:45

pumunta na ko ng Fast Prep Calamba (tapat ng Letran), akala ko talaga sa Sta. Rosa kami magkita but no, so carry lang..nagbasa at nagaral muna ko sa teritoryo ni Mam Lorns (ipagpatawad po at wala akong dalang tinapay..hehe).
Ito ang masaya, ako na ang nakitulog at nakitambay ako pa ang binayaran! winner!hahah...san ka pa??ayos talaga..
So ayun nga, natulog ako hanngang mga 12:30 tapos pagkagising ko, kumain na kami ni T. Arni ng bistek na matamis..(ieeww..)
At sa wakas dumating na sya...OO, IKAW! at nakalarga narin kami sa wakas patungong Manila...Araneta here we come!!!

Nov. 15 13:45- 16:00
Nagbyahe lang kami sa bus...bum...corny..natulog lang ako..next...

Nov. 15 16:00-18:30

Pagdating sa Cubao, naglakad pa kami ng pagkalayo layo para marating ang Farmer's Mall (hindi ko nga sure kung Cubao yun eh..) tapos naghanap ng fan ng CPU...susyal ang computer..bawal mainitan..at take note of the price..anliit ng fan but the price is big..hehe...so...moving on, nagpalit muna ko ng aking outfit.yes, I was a girl nahiya naman ako libutin ang vicinity ng Araneta at magkaroon public appearance ng hindi kaaya-aya diba? so mega outfit naman aketch...mukha nmn daw akong babae..salamat naman at naappreciate ng kasama ko..hnd na sya mahihiya na kasama nya ko..hehe..
Syempre, gutom na kmi dba?kaya mega hanap kami ng makakainan...nag usap usap pa kmi bago ang event na mag Cabalen kami o di kaya Yellow Cab o Saisaki but no, unfortunately, wala nun sa Gateway kahit sa Farmers o sa SM (dept. store lang) so...pumili nlng kmi ng iba..pagkalayo layo ng nilakad nmin babalik din pla kmi...
Burgoo ang mapalad na restaurant na aming natipuhan..masarap ang hamburgoo!!!in all fairness, double patty w/ cheese and veggies w/ matching fries at bottomless lemonade...winner! may nachos pa for appetizer...wah!tha food!ang sarap..kya lang hindi kinaya ng powers ko..sinukuan ko ang hamburgoo matapos ko makain ang kalahati..grabe..ganun sya katindi..pro syempre, para sa isang bata jan, basta pagkain, walang sinasanto...
Ayan, busog na kmi..bka hinihintay na kmi ni Gary V..so kelangan n nmin pmunta ng Araneta..



Nov. 15 19:30- Nov. 16 00:00
GARY V. LIVE @ 25!
At Lower box 214 C11 &12...
Wah! ganun pala ang itsura ng Araneta Coliseum!grabe..first time..anlaki at maganda..astig ang stage ni Gary V... May katabi kmi sa upuan na isang pamilya or should I say angkan..andami nila!at mukhang yamings ang family...may cute din ako katabi..yiee! pero, dito ko napatunayan ang power of suggestion!dahil dun sa mga yamings na bata, nakita ko may kotong kendi sila (cotton candy) at syempre gusto ko rin nun!hindi ako natahimik ng wala ako nung cotton candy..at hanggang dumating na nga si ate na nagbebenta ng cotton candy..at natahimik na rin ako sa tuwa...may cotton candy na ko! (perohindi ko yun kinain...pinasalubong ko nalang sa mga kapatid ko...sa sobrang pagkatuwa ko sa cotton candy, hnd kona sya nagawang kainin...haha! (salamat sa aking sponsor..hehe)

" Shout for Joy! Sing His Praises, Lift Your Voice Unto the Lord"...Wow!nagstart na!kumanta na si Gary V. ng kanyang mga classics at all time hits..amazing amazing!galing!
Astig ang mga anak nya!lahat may talento...sobrang nagulat ako dun sa bunso kasi ang ganda nya at pati ang boses nya, maganda! pero mejo nadisappoint ako kay Gabby..Contemp lang ang sinayaw nya (though maganda naman) mas maganda sana kung mejo hip hop at sabay sila ng tatay nya.
"Deep inside this armor, the warrior is a Child"...kinanta na ang fave song...wah!!ang galing!nakaka-antig ng damdamin..sobrang indescribable...wooh! ang gandang ng ending...
But wait!there's more!hindi sapat kay Gary V. ang 3 hour concert.. at bigla pa uli syang lumabas at nag appear din si Martin Nievera! ang galing nilang dalawa...akala ko nung una hnd magaling si Martin but no! judgemental ako!hahah...astig astig...
At ang huling kanta ay "Wait Forever" (yan ay ayon sa aking source na ginoogle lang rin pla...)hehe...
To conlcude the concert, ang galing!astig!lalo na pag kasama mo sya...hay...tapos ansarap din nung food!wooh!winner! hindi ko tlga masyado madescribe..kasi nga indescribable..kaya nga ba ayaw ko gawin ang blog na to dahil I might give injustice sa whole experience...pero I hope I was able to convey the message..hehe...

Muli, Thank you Lord for such a phenomenal event...salamat po for everything..for the blessings..for him...for the love...for the relationship...for YOU..

And to my sponsor, salamat ng madami!sa uulitin..hehe...pwede din khit ung Bagiuo na ang kasunod..hehe..sem ender..Thank you hon ng madaming madami!I love you!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Sermon of the PEBBLE

"I am only a tiny pebble of stone, yet I am, in reality a small universe in which there is everything that may be found in the more expanded portion of the universe which you see out there among the stars.

I appear to be dead and motionless, but the appearance is deceiving. I am made of molecules. Inside my molecules are myriads of atoms, each a small universe unto itself. Inside the atoms are countless numbers of electron which move at an inconceivable rate of speed.

I am not a dead mass of stone, but an organized group of units of ceaseless energy.

I appear to to be a solid mass, but the appearance is an illusion, for my electrons are separated one from another by a distance greater than their mass.

Study me carefully, O humble earthly wayfarer, and remember that the great powers of the universe are the intangibles; that the values of life are those which cannot be added by bank balances."

Excerpt from The Master-Key to Riches by Napoleon Hill

Sermon of the WATER

"Water!Ah, what a story you could tell if you spoke man's language. You have quenched the thirst of endless millions of earthly wayfarers; fed the flowers; expanded into steam and turned the wheels of man-made machinery, condensing and going back again to your original form. You have cleansed the sewers, washed the pavements, rendered countless services to man and beast, returning always to your source in the seas, there to become purified and start your journey of service once again.

When you move you travel in one direction only, toward the seas from whence you came. You are forever going and coming but you always seem to be happy at your labor.

Water! Clean, pure, sparkling substance. No matter how much dirt work you perform, you cleanse yourself at the end of your labor.

You cannot be created nor you be destroyed. You are akin to all life. Without your beneficence no form of life on this earth would exist!

And the water ended, but I had heard a great sermon; I had been close to the greatest of all forms of Intelligence. I felt evidence of that same Intelligence which had created the great oak tree from a tiny acorn; the Intelligence which had fashioned the leaves of the fern with mechanical and aesthetic skill such as no man could duplicate."

Excerpt from The Master-Key to Riches by Napoleon Hill

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Mr. Independent (Loved but not Needed ii)

Yes, the title is inspired by Ne-Yo's Miss Independent. I can't get enough of it..haha.. So let me say that this is my reflection on the song as well as the sequel to the earlier post (Loved but not Needed).
I think, it is more than just the beat and the groove but more of the message. Was I hooked!
Anyway, the song is about a girl who can manage, a girl who sweeps men off of their feet, a girl who knows what she wants, a driven girl, a girl who can and will make a way to get what she wants, a girl who is not so attached, a girl who wants but doesn't need a man---an independent girl..And in the song, the man likes her all the more because of her strong character.

Then, it struck me. Contrary to the song, I was wanting to be needed; I wanted to feel that I am needed. It is funny because life has its way of making a point. Before, I also don't want someone who is very dependent. I don't want someone who is very attached (emotionally, physically, psychologically,etc.). For me, this kind of people loses themselves; they lose their sense of "self" as well as self sufficiency. Being attached and yielding some dependence and control to things outside yourself is a weakness and a mortal sin (in my opinion). But then, life has balanced this extreme notion of mine. And man, I was humbled!

The correction came with Mr. Independent (or so I thought and feel he is). He came to my life uninvited but he was graciously welcomed. Then the emotions rushed, feelings evolved---and the rest is history (you all know what I mean). The relationship was perfect almost too good to be true. And amidst the happiness and perfectness; suddenly, the urge to be needed came rushing in. I realized I never felt that I was needed by him emotionally. I felt that he was detached; that at anytime we can part ways and he would not even care about it. There is no doubt about his love; yes, I am dearly loved but not needed. I know he loves me but he does not need me enough to make me feel it and I needed him to need me. Funny, it was me who asked for someone like him but now that he's here, I wanted otherwise.

It is really funny for I know when he has needed me too much to the extent that I am his life and I am his world, I love him no more for he then will not be his own self. He will lose himself in the process and the person I loved is not the same "him" anymore. The love will die if this happens, that's for sure. But now, look at me wanting the very same thing I despise. I know one of the reasons I love him because he does not need me; yet, I want him to need me somehow. So I am afraid because if he yields to my desire to be needed and gone way further I will not love him anymore. So I hope, he will not need me to that extent.

A lesson learned well, be careful of what you wish for! joke!hehe...
Kidding and pride aside, I learned that in a relationship an element of need and attachment is necessary. It's not detrimental to have these but too much of everything is also not good. The thing is, what is the point of loving if somehow you will not be attached in any way. What is the point of always keeping your guards up?loving is a risk...a risk that you can choose to take or not.A risk that both of the people involved cannot escape.This relationship has been a tug of war, a silent battle that we both engage. A battle of yielding and depending, wants and needs that neither of us want to acknowledge. We both enjoy the emotions all the other things that come with the relationship but we do not admit the "need" for each other or may be our persona would not allow us to be vocal about it. So maybe, I should just enjoy this revulsion that comes along.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Flight

After the candies, the freebies and comforts of childhood, you go about taking charge. Yes, now you have taken an active role in directing your life. Now, you have accepted the challenge and the fact that there's no one else to direct your life; you have bloomed and you have flown above the rest.

But in taking flight, it is not enough that you have lifted. I know, thrusting forward is already hard and flying is already an achievement but flying in itself is another challenge. You cannot just fly without direction. Aimless and helpless up above the air renders great danger plummeting down.

You have to maintain your speed while keeping in mind your destination. To keep you in flight, you must overcome the force of gravity; you must fly at a certain speed range. You cannot go too slow for you will fall neither can you go too fast for you might get out of control. At this regulated rate you aim for your destination. What is the point of the journey if there is no destination?no end point? no aim?

You have to pace yourself to avoid burn outs. At some point, you will be tired. At some point, you will feel the need to stop and take some rest. At some point, you will find yourself asking why you are flying in the first place. Rest if you must but never stop. Never let the Law of Least Effort take effect for in this, you settle for something comfortable and you settle for something less than what you're worth. Your momentum and inertia can always be at your side but your will will decide. Don't rush...don't procrastinate...just the right pace but not too comfortable. Sometimes, you have to slow down; you have to speed up; you have to fall; but just continue on. If you don't, how will you get there?

You have to know or at least discover the path towards your destination. Knowing your destination and knowing how to get there are two different things. You may know for certain where you want to be and what you want to become but you don't know how. It is normal. We can discover it along the way, what's important is that you're already set forth towards that definite goal. Sometimes, the journey is more fulfilling, enjoyable and exciting when you have discovered the way than have someone laid it out for you. But sometimes, you also need people; people who will help you in the journey; these people are usually with the same goal and the same values as yours. And also sometimes, you have to change route; you have to make a turn but it doesn't mean it's wrong. There is no one correct path in going to your destination. There are several paths and you can also create your own.

You have to look for others who can be your companions in the flight. It is already hard to leave the ones you left on the ground so don't make it harder for yourself to fly alone. Who knows, you will soar high with those other people? Along the way, you will need help; you will need encouragement; you will need enlightenment; you will need people. Don't worry much for they will come to you without you looking for them. You will find them along the way, probably on the same side of the sky with more or less same destination. You will find comfort in these people but not too comfortable. They will be the ones who will challenge you to fly faster, to soar higher, and to spread you wings more. They may also be the ones who will teach you how to do so and how to get there. And of course, in return, you can do the same to them and others. As the saying goes, 'Birds of the same feather flock together'. So choose what kind of bird you want to become. It is not enough that you can fly; you should have your own identity in your flight.

I, myself, am not assured to arrive at my destination. I am also at the beginning of my journey and I think, every time I would arrive at my destination, I will always find other places to go, to discover and to explore at the same time making me more experienced in flight. They say the first goal is the most difficult to attain but I am yet to know. Hope to see you along the way or at least at the same sky.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Grace

She was in the verge of crying with tears welling up her eyes. She cannot control her ever tormenting thoughts. It wasn't her emotions that causes her the turmoil--it was, is and always have been her own thoughts. She has always considered herself a sadist. Self inflicted pain was her defense mechanism. It was her protection from the sinister world. She can never allow anyone or anything to hurt her without her permission so the pain she feels is the pain that she allows--self-inflicted---self-fabricated.

But tonight, it is different. This is something she didn't consciously want. This time, she doesn't know what's causing her the turmoil which brings her the panic. She was devastated, frustrated and defeated. This is her weakness and she knows it. This is her greatest fear and she is yet to know.

She thought there was nothing more she could do. At this point, she knows it is not in her hands anymore; she is not the one to determine--and this is all foreign to her. So she decided to submit everything to Him. For she can do nothing without Him; she is nothing without Him. This is when she let go of the rope. Her efforts in this tug-of-war are futile because it is not her who dictates. This is not her battle anymore; it is His.

But just as she succumbed, she found herself free; she was redeemed and liberated from all her cares. She realized that she was never alone. She found Him, a great companion, an unconditional lover, a savior and redeemer. He had given her grace to accept the things she cannot change, to accept the things that she has no power over, to accept her limitations, to accept her weaknesses, to accept that she is not perfect---she is mortal and flawed.

But then, she was thankful. She was grateful for another chance; for the redemption; for the hope; for the correction; for the grace that sustains her.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Take Charge

Every human being has to pass childhood at least once. At one point in our life, we need to go through the process of growing physically starting from a helpless day-old infant into a full grown man. It is said that our childhood is our most dependent years. This is the time when we are still learning about the Earth as well as life. With our fragile and small physique, we needed our parents to feed us, to bathe us, to tie our shoe lace, to pick us up when we stumble, to console us when we cry and bribe us with candies and toys. This is the time when they provide all of what we need; milk, food, clothes, toys, etc. This is the time that we are; more or less, well provided for. The giving and the receiving roles of the parents and children respectively are in perfect harmony. So in short, as children with things yet to know and with bones yet to grow, we are programmed to be dependent to other people. We just take things without much thought and consideration. We just let things to go and pass; no sense of urgency, no path to follow, no purpose to find and fulfill. I realized, it actually is blissful, right?very euphoric... I hope we could just stay children forever or at least twice (..hehe).

But then there will come a point in our lives that we need to grow up, we are forced into reality. There comes the time when we realize that there are no more free toys, no more free candies. We realize that things will be provided for us forever. We realize that we cannot any more have or even just ask for the things we want or sometimes need. Here, we realize that life will not spoon-feed us; that we cannot just let things pass by and not think of our tomorrow; that we need to stand up, walk and take charge of our lives. Gradually, we detach from dependency, we are slowly entering independence. For some this comes early in life, for some it blooms late but for some, it just never comes.

So what do we, children, do when we face this transition?

Well, some have tantrums, some cry, some just won't let go of their dependency, some find another dependency to replace the former, some are in denial, some would and could not accept, some are left behind by life but a few takes control and embraces freedom. A few emerges successfully out of their cocoons of dependency into becoming flying butterflies---independent and free.

Yes, that is life. It will never allow us to be passive drivers of our lives; it will at some point require you to stand your ground, to be responsible and in control. Fortunate are those who doesn't need to realize these things for they can afford to be comfortable in dependency. Pitiful are those who deny and wait for someone to provide and make things happen for them. Courageous are those who accept and take charge.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Searching for the Fleeting Purpose

Saturday, September 27, 2008
0313 in the morning...

Have you ever been to the point where you don't know where you are?...
You suddenly realize amidst your life circle that somehow you don't belong---like an alien in your own world.

Have you ever been to the point when you suddenly asked yourself why you are doing the things you do and why you continue to do so?

It feels like you have lost the purpose for the things that you do. Like there is no aim, no goal, no end---or let's say,you have lost them somewhere along the road. Now, you are looking for it but you don't know if it fell a long way back or just a step behind. And you wonder how you went this far with a missing purpose--- a missing reason. So you stand amazed with your strength and endurance to run the race this far but stunned by your own ignorance and stupefied by your own emptiness.

Right know, you need a boost. You are looking for reasons to continue the fight. You look at the finish line for motivation but the end was blur---it was not the end point that you want. Then you start to doubt the path you're taking. It may lead to a wonderful ending or a greater trap. So you stop for a moment and evaluate things. You try to reflect on your reasons at the beginning, you try to trace back how you got here and what propelled you forward. Hoping that somehow you'll find the same reasons now; so you can finish what you started, so you can give meaning to your journey, you can fulfill your purpose and redeem yourself. But unfortunately, you're lost in the vast emptiness within....

You really don't know where you messed up along the process. You cannot pin point your short comings. You cannot account for the sudden wilderness...

Welcome to the gray area...the darker area...the confused zone...the lost zone.

Correct me if I'm wrong but most of us go through this struggle. To some it sets in early, some too late; to some it is longer than they would like it be, for some it is never-ending; some are eaten up alive but there are also some who overcomes and triumph.

What I would like to know is what made the difference for those who surpassed?
How did they claim their rightful purpose?
How, amidst all these atrocities, did they prevail?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Loved but not Needed

I cannot believe myself..It is amusing how everyday I discover something new about me...I think everyday people are changing; it does not require drastic changes--- just subtle changes that reveal themselves at the back door; when you are most unprepared and caught off guard.

Lately, I have been in an internal turmoil...an inner struggle I fight every now and then. But so far, this one has made a mark. I am a sadomasochist. I cannot allow myself to experience much joy and pleasure neither allow myself to be emotionally, physically, psychologically attached to the object of my desire. So naturally, I would torture myself by walking away from my desire in the fear that I might get attached and I might get hurt by 'it' later on. It pains me, of course but this one is different; 'it' crushed me...
Then I tried to find the causes and reasons for my revulsion and I was more amazed by what I found out..I was not aware that I was capable of such pathetic things, pathetic logic and reasoning, petty wants and demands. So now I know I am not as mature as I thought I was.

Then, I will not pain you &myself of all the story but this is what I found out--- that for me, I am loved but not needed.
Peculiar, how I demand this two to co-exist. Are they co-existent? or they do not necessarily assure the presence of the other?

Monday, September 15, 2008

Cluttered Thoughts


Here I am again in the state where I myself do not know; the moment when I know I am
but I am not; the moment I know I can but then I cannot; the moment I know I
feel but cannot feel; the moment I know I will but I won’t. Am I really aware of all of these? Or Am I just
in the stage of revulsion and denial?

Yes,
the context is vague and undefined but unfortunately, I cannot make myself
define it. I cannot force myself to put those abstractly beautiful ideas into
concrete words. Simply because, I cannot and do not have the capacity to give
it meaning…still vague isn’t it?

Humorous,
how I try to explain things that are inexplicable in their nature. Amazing how
I lose control of my own consciousness. Stupid, how I try to resolve things I
don’t understand. Insane, how I acknowledge things that aren’t there.





SILENT WAR


Silent war

My silence screams
louder than my voice

My tears pierce
deeper than my words

The staleness looms
darker than solitude

The angst rages more
violently than anxiety

A battle within
annihilates more than any destruction

A silent war torments more than just the soul

Keep me certain, keep
me still

Free my being, let me win

Patriotism


Shame

Staring in the emptiness of the night, I swam into the depths of the sky reaching for a hand that never stretch

Staring at the invisible silhouette of a woman, I exploited her body that was never hers

Staring at the futile lushness of her breasts, I wringed the last traces of life that never existed

Staring directly at the sun, I searched for her identity and found nothing but a shadow

Staring at her blind eyes, I slapped her face like a blast of thunder



Waiting…Wanting…Longing…

Waiting…Wanting…Longing…

It has been more than 30 hours, 30 minutes and umm.. seconds since this urge aroused; 18 hours and 13 minutes since I started waiting and eternity since I longed.

A blanket of guilt, a cloth of shame and scent of eerie mystery--- things that I
choose not to wear in order to disguise my egoistic desires and deceive my own
scrutinizing conscience. So instead I stand in barren nudity; exposed with all my secrets and miseries; acknowledging my mortality and imperfections; confronting my weaknesses and necessities. And how trivial everything seems…no one notices; no one knows; no one understands but him. Funny, how people have believed my beautiful masque. What a deception it is that I made; a perfect and an inevitable lie I myself fabricated and I myself believed. I don’t cover up but still they didn’t see. Then I realized; I am not different from them. I also am a victim of my sinister alter ego. I believed myself to be bare and uncovered but my skin still lingers which becomes a hindrance for the liberation of the truth. I am succumbing and fighting my own nature; doubting and believing my own beliefs--- all at the same time.

It is dubious but I am contented. I leave it as it is: no one else knows, no one else cares.

But still the fact remains, I am waiting. Waiting for Him to come; for Him to allow; for Him to acknowledge then when he comes, I will leave all else behind for a moment--- just a moment. This appetite is for him to satisfy. I will lay my human needs down to his feet and my longing in his hands. I will feel him as he skillfully appease my raging urge. But then, until he has not come, I still await.



Friday, August 29, 2008

Sinful Pleasure


Fire

I can still taste your breath in my mouth;
As our lips depart, our souls unite
In darkness, we are solemnly dozing in our own paradise
Sensing the depths of our beings
Reaching beyond the heights of the sky
Drowning in the enticing waves of the air
Swathe in the fiery flames of heaven

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Who am I?

I am she who explores the world unknown to me.

I am she who is an errant in my own deceptive world.

I am she who is astounded by nature but never fully appreciates.

I am she who cries without tears.

I am she who laughs without sound.

I am she who talks without voice.

I am she who searched long but found nothing more than questions.

I am she who inquires but found no answer.

I am she who tries to understand but can never grasp.

I am she who endures and persists.

I am she who goes beyond the limits and surpasses my own.

I am she who is not bound but conserved.

I am she who dares against the crowd.

I am she who stands at the beginning.

I am she who is signifies nothing except myself.

I am she who longs to be free but yearns to be held.

I am she who is defeated by emotions and lost rationality.

I am she who desires the thing I fear and loves the very thing I despise.

I am she who considers but does not believe.

I am she who cares silently but never involved.

I am she who hurts the people I love.

I am she who discovers her own identity.

I am she who reflects her.

I am she who is a stranger to myself.


-me-